Radical Dreamers

I'm sitting here, knowing I should get to sleep, and just thinking about how tired I am and how this day went both miraculously well and almost nightmarish at the con today.

I just feel so out of whack....it's going to take some time to get back to a sense of normality.

I'll elaborate soon. I hope to write more, obviously. The con always takes so much out of me around this season, and trying to keep everything life-oriented intact is difficult.

What has gone well : Charity auction for Becky's father. We raised a goodly amount of money. I'm so very proud for my role in getting that going. I feel like that's something that matters in a way.

Teamwork : Oh my god, it's such an amazing thrill when everything snaps together, people start working together and shit gets done. I'm not even going to start, i'll elaborate later.

Plans : Mostly good. I'm getting better at making sure Activities is a well-oiled machine when we enter. There were a few snags, but with our amazing team, we worked it out. Ben dies every year, and I need to find a way to remedy this. We may not always have him, so I'm going to need to figure out his framework and make it all work.

What hasn't : A few snafus, outside factors causing complications and scares. Big ones, too.

Sleep time.

I also got a lappy, so I'm sitting in bed as I write this. It's so nice to do this just to decompress. It feels really really nice, even after such a messed up day.

Peace.

--- For All The Dreamers

So, a month or so until the convention. Getting excited and hyper, too much to do, wanna make this schedule perfect so we have *the* line up for the year. A little healthy competition between the cons never hurt anyone, right?

So here's the plan.

My roommate, bless his money-laden heart and pockets, has purchased a Wii recently. We both, after hunting around, wanted a Wii Fit really badly, and he walked yesterday to several places looking for one, and finally captured one.

My plan is this. I'm going to spend one hour a day, no excuses, on the Balance Board doing everything on it, in the pursuit of getting fit. Presently I am 300 pounds. I do not want to be 300 pounds. I want to get it down to, let's say, 220. That's a little more respectable for someone of my size.

I'm not gonna hold myself to a time limit, just the program. One hour a day, starting today, which I am happy to say I've logged. I'll report my weight changes every week on here for shits and giggles, and y'all can laugh at me as you wish. ;)

btw, so far it's definitely making me break out into a sweat. :D It feels pretty damn good, and we shall see how this works out. I probably won't change my diet tremendously, but I do intend on cutting down on foods as necessary. :)

I'll give a convention update soon. :) 

Current Location: Home

Another post that's going to begin with 'I haven't posted in awhile'. Empty promises of 'I'm going to post more often, I swear, omg' tend to fall on empty ears, so we'll skip that step. I'm going to rant awhile. I apologize to the friends list. Maybe I should set up a cut. Read if you like. It's a lot of recounting the last few months from my view.

( Cutting for great justice. )
So I'll try to write in here more often. After the convention, I'm going to set up a seperate LJ for random stories and fiction and roleplaying stories. If I want to do something a little more productive in that area, it's going to take lots of practice and discipline, so the plan will be to write something in that every week.

When I have time. And thankfully, time it something had in abundance.

--- For All The Dreamers

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Gin Blossoms - Learning the Hard Way

Making the jump. We don't have the best arrangement for furniture or anything like that quite yet, but that's okay. We have some basic limited wireless access to the interwebz, and that'll improve through the week. But the computer's getting taken, as well as some extra stuff.

So the next time I post, I will be in the new place. So....see you guys soon. :)

First : Not emo anymore. Just the waking 'Oh god I hate my life' kind of thing.

Second : Has anyone else recently been getting messages from salmonbots on AIM? Just recently figured out that they're connecting two random people and forcing an initiated conversation where it looks like the other person messaged you.

LJ community : themissinghat has more.

I'm trying to figure out what kind of social experiment this is....kind of interesting, although I think it'll get kind of annoying. ;)

I don't know if I've ever written about this little thing, but meh. I need to let this out.

I really hate moving.

The physical effort sucks, but that's not really what I'm talking about. I'd rather have the most exhausting day moving shit from place a to b, honestly. At least at the end of it you feel accomplished and awesome and ready for the new life you're about ready to confront. That will be awesome and all that.

No...it's the memories.

I'll be honest, I haven't been in the completely best mind-set in this last month. It's been a challenge trying to keep the depression from overwhelming me, and I kind of have to. And then I find little things. A charm we found our last day in Ferguson before anime club moved to other rooms. Old tarot decks. Notes I made in high school. Little reminders, here and there, consistantly about an old life that doesn't really feel real to me at all. Trinkets from the days back in the old apartment. I could go on and on and on. I haven't even scratched the surface of my room, and already I'm paralyzed and afraid what I'm going to find next.

I have to face this, and it's *so bloody hard*. I feel like I squandered and wasted the last few years.  I don't want to really get into the details, but I just....gah.

I don't know. :\ I want to clear this all out and start everything anew, mind and heart fresh. I don't think i've ever been able to do that, truly. I hold on to everything too much. Physically and mentally, obviously. *gestures to the piles of crap in his room* I can't let go. Of anything, obviously.

Yeah, I'm beating myself up. I need to stop. *sighs*

Current Location: Home...soon to not be home...
Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Leah - Calling

I still owe an Otaku Omaha update. That'll have to wait, but summary is : Good stuff. Met a lot of awesome people, and I hope that we've planted the seeds to a beautiful relationship together between NebKon and Tornado-co...I mean Otaku Omaha. :>

First thing : Me and Nick D have scored the place we've been eyeing. 425 a month for rent, 13th and A ish, it's a smaller kind of place than my old apartment, but it's also quite cozy. I think it'll be a happy place, and a good place to start fresh. The Bar and Grill is reopening for business, bitches.

Oh, and I swear to all that is holy, I will actually keep this place up. No trash everywhere, I swear to all the gods. Besides, if I slip, I think Nick will kill me. ;) Mortality has some beautiful motivators.

Second : Aurora Street Festival this weekend. We'll have a table somewhere, I'm hoping. I would define further, but Aurora defies explanation. They're trying some new stuff, trying just a themed sci-fi/fantasy day spread around the University/Downtown area. We'll be near the fountain if you wanna stop by and hang.

Third : I've been thinking about how I want to start practicing what I preach, with the writing. I'm either going to create a new journal to work off of here on LJ, or I might just actually sit down and learn how to create a website for my purposes. Eventually, if what I want to really do takes off, I will need a website. Essentially, I want to start just practicing and learning what works and doesn't in a publication format, and then I want to start writing chapters to a story every week. I think it'll be awesome if I can pull it off right, but rarely do things ever work like dreamed in my head. What I want to do is eventually take all the things I've written on said journal/site and aim to get it published. I'll have more details later, but it's going to be in the genre of good ol' traditional fantasy. I'll post my ideas later when I have time, as I'm kind of on break. But the question is, what do you guys recommend? Should I just create a seperate LJ for my works, or tough it out and set up a website for myself?

Running late, so I'm out. OO update coming soon along with other stuffs, I swear. :>

Current Location: Home, stufifng my face
Current Mood: cheerful

Otaku Omaha tomorrow and the rest of the weekend.

If you're gonna be there, me and a few NebKon folks will be there. In the dealer's room. Chillin'.

I wish them luck, good numbers, and positive vibes all around.

Now if I could just get my shit together. Why is it I don't understand the notion of packing way ahead of time so I get SLEEP?

Let me try the 'I'm not going to be a whiny bitchy asshole' route. While that's proven to generate 'teh lulz', I think I've had enough of being a whiny bitchy asshole.

I'm pretty sure my life looks like one long big gigantic train wreck, so instead of dwelling on what a sad little boy I am, I'm going to take some steps to make my life something I can actually appreciate. I've kind of decided after the dreaded few weeks ago that I want to do better, I want to find some kind of direction in life and run with it. The problem is, I'm chronically lazy. I find it way too easy to fall into patterns and remain there, digging holes in the ground. I will subconsciously sabotage dreams with that little internal whisper of "You're no good at this, or no good to anyone..." It's like living with a little demon that just gnaws and tears and destroys me from within. I bounce back, sure, but some of this pain always lingers.

I'm not sure what this would clinically be called. I'm certain I have some sort of clinical depression, or I'm bipolar. The swings back and forth between positive and happy and horribly depressed are really really scary. I don't want that kind of crap ruling my life.

So here's a few things I'm going to do.

1. I'm going to lose weight. By the end of this year, I want to have lost 60 pounds. That's, in a nutshell, a lot of fucking weight. I know it'll assist in that whole energy thing, giving me more of an upbeat feel, and plus, I wanna be sexy, god damn it. ;p Not just that fat guy over there in the corner.

2. I'm going to start writing again. I used to do a lot of writing, but here's the problem. Every time I've written anything...*anything*, I automatically will delete it when I read it again two weeks later. I'll look at it, and HATE it, and HATE how horrible of a writer I am. If I'm going to get better, I'll NEED to keep it, and show it to other people so they can tell me what sucks and where to improve. I've always wanted to write fantasy/sci-fi fiction. I think if I could actually sit down and focus, I could come up with something that may even sell. One day, I want to sustain myself by writing. That's my goal right now, and it's probably the strongest impulse I've had. I've always had a passion for the subject. Every time I start reading again, I get so lost and happy. Books transform my life, make me see possibilities...it's so much clearer, so much brighter. I want to pass on that kind of feeling to other people, if I can.

So I'm probably at some point going to start up a writing journal. I'll keep it open and public for one reason only, for my friends to read and critique. I'm probably going to sound like a lot of bad fanfic (sorry to fanfic writers here!) but I swear I will not trash anything. If I post it, it'll stay. And that's the reason. Because if I keep it on my computer, I WILL delete it.

I'd like to say I'm done tearing myself up, but I know that won't go away any time soon, or permanently. My journal itself shows how many fucking ups and downs I have, how emotionally stupid I can get. Instead of pretending it'll go away, I need to start facing it head on. Much like the rest of my life.

Gods, give me strength for this.

Current Location: Home...which will be changing soon....
Current Mood: melancholy

I hate feeling unable to do anything to sooth the agony of those I care about with all my heart.

It's terrifying, the kind of despair that can seize, and grasp and crush your throat when you try to open your mouth to speak. The feelings you have when you're trying to be brave and strong, and all that strength flees from you. Hollow and empty.

All I have today to lend is my words. I never feel they are enough. But today, I will see if I can make them enough, make them strong, give them strength, give them purpose.



I never knew Bruce as well as I could. Part of that's admittedly my fault. I was too insecure, too scared to have people think badly of me. I tell others not to be insecure, to mind not what others think and say, but when the pendulum swings back, I'm just as taken with that fear. When I saw him on Sunday, I had too many thoughts in mind. I will never speak to him again.

He was a good person. The kind that you don't really hear about often. We're so used to seeing the horrible side of people, we forget quite easily that there are good people out there, with good intentions, good purpose. He helped many. I'm sure Becky can share those stories far more accurately than I, so I won't try. But let me stress what a good person he was, and is. I pray...yes, I pray that he is in a better place, free of his suffering.

There's no doubt how proud he'll be of his daughter.

She is, without a doubt, one of the strongest, kindest people I have ever had the privledge to meet. Through her tears, she's still carrying on, still pushing to give him the kind of send off that he deserves. If you know her, please send her your well wishes, your kind thoughts, your prayers. Let her know that you care. It's a simple thing to ask for, and a simple thing to give. Yet these kind thoughts can mean more than any gift that can be given.

I've said this before, that we take life far for granted.

The last few days I've been rather broken myself. I wonder quite often what the purpose of this is. I believe that life teaches us many things through the winding, twisting paths of our lives. I wanted to take something from this, I wanted to find something to hold onto, some shred of truth and feeling, to take from this, and raise it to something fundamental, something we need to hear and see. In short, I do not want Bruce to die in vain.

He wanted to help people, to help them reach their potential, to bring them from all paths of life to become better.
I may not know his full story, but that much I understood, and comprehended. It takes a rare person to care so much about mere strangers! It's rare, beautiful, and it's a fragment of life that needs to stay alive. No matter what.

We take life far too much for granted. We let things drift away, opportunities go by. We let simple things slip by us that mean so much. When we look around us, the world is there, waiting, waiting for us to make an impact. Do we? Most us us don't. We just sit....and let it all go by, until it's too late. And then what do we do? In our arrogance, in our folly, we blame life for snatching it all away, while we just *sat* there and let it go. Refusing to take the blame for our own inaction, our own lazy attitudes towards life. We tell ourselves there's plenty of time to do what we want to.

So I beseech every one of you. Everyone who reads this. Everyone who doesn't. Everyone who still holds onto life today. LIVE. Live EVERY moment to the fullest potential. DO something. DON'T just sit here, DON'T let these moments drift away. Be kind to others. Help others. Step outside of your own little circle, your own little comfort zone, take it out further. Be GOOD to your fellow human beings. Make this world a place that you can be PROUD of. If everyone tried like I am certain Bruce did, we would live in a paradise without equal. 

Put your heart into everything you do, and if you stumble and falter and feel that weakness seize your heart, shrug it off, stand up, and keep walking. Mistakes happen. Not everything we do is going to be successful. But that isn't the point. I want to face myself when I'm 60, 70, 80, and I want to feel PROUD about my life, no matter where it turned up.

And I want each and every single one of you to feel that same way. If not for the sake of a man who did try, for your
own sakes.

To Becky, if and when you read this. You of all people deserve to be happy. You do try hard, and you HAVE done good for this world. And I smile when I think about the potential you have to make this world a better place. No matter
what course life takes, I will always be your friend. I know you have, and will continue to make your father proud.

And now that my eyes have turned into a water fountain and I have embarrassed myself, I leave you all with my best wishes. I will honor and cherish his memory.

--- And my words are set free to the winds.

I'm hunting for some old Japanese ghost stories. Anyone have any suggestions?

I'm looking for otherworldly craziness, because it sounds fun. L5R gamers will recognize the purpose, I'm sure, but it sounds like an interesting subject separate from any dark intentions I may have. ;)

This day always has the weirdest memories for me.

In years past, I've railed against Valentine's Day. To me, the commercialization of the occasion, along with too many couples molding their faces into each other, there was a constant reminder that I was alone. That other people were alone. The 'singles awareness day' was something I heartily agreed with.

In the past few days, already I've been encountering people broken by haunting memories from Valentine's Day passed. Some of them are really atrocious. I don't want to name names, or details, but suffice it to say that people are capable of great evil.  It amazes me some of the depths we'll fall to...and thus, makes me ashamed to be a part of humanity.

So instead of railing out against the day....I wish to extend my feelings to all of you.

Each and every single one of you reading this holds a place in my heart. Each of you mean something to me, and while I hardly ever get the right opportunity to share that, I truly do mean it. We may have fought, may have bickered, may have nearly turned away for eternity, but always with all of you we've clung on to your friendship. I would do anything to keep that feeling.

A very long time ago, I had, essentially, no friends. So when I started meeting real friends, the feeling overwhelmed me. I certainly didn't expect when I got to college, and anime club, that people would actually like being around me. Some of the friendships I forged when growing up, when in high school, I never expected to hold and last. I've met some fantastic people, and I'm blessed to feel close to them.

And over the past few years, I've gotten to meet many fantastic people, from all over. Working on the con has been, essentially, the most positive thing I've done in my life. Nothing forges confidence like being a part of something. And over this past weekend, I feel so *good* about what we do. We had so *many* people come up and tell us how awesome we were. Someone came up and said "I want to go to your con, my friends tell me it's the best con they've ever went to". The vendor's in the dealer's room tell that they have never encountered nicer staff.

Talk about an ego booster. It'll be a challenge to get through the doorway with that inflated head.

Long stories and rambling short, I'm simply making this a day to appreciate what connections I've made over the year. My friends that mean so much to me, and to a glorious future with them.

Thank you.

~~~ If I knew where we were going, why the hell would I still be looking at the map?

Current Mood: contemplative

First order of business : Merry belated Christmas, everyone. I hope everything went well for you all.

I feel like reflecting.

This year's been full of emotional ups and downs. I'm still trying to piece together 'life', as it were. The problem I've been facing these many many months is a question of identity. I've been constantly having to ask myself about who I am, what kind of person am I? Good? Bad? Useless? Am I just someone with a lot of emotional baggage that isn't really anyone decent to be around, or am I someone worthwhile to people?

Then there is role to consider. What do I really want?

For me?

I'm not sure I'm able to answer that, still. I know what people think is right for me. I can tell myself...and convince myself for a good long while what I think I need. I always find myself shocked when the road doesn't feel natural, doesn't feel right. I'm a person of intuition by large. If something doesn't feel right, I typically won't follow it. And while my life hasn't exactly led me down the most golden of paths...I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about people, and about myself..

I should've noted, above....uhm, I'm a little self-involved. I'm sorry. :)

I haven't been the best friend to everyone this year. I haven't really been able to forge many strong connections, or maintain the ones I already had. I lock myself away, hide from the world, try to deal with my problems by myself.. If you're one of those people I've shut out, it's not you. It really isn't. When it comes down to it, 95% of people I know, I value their being in my life. Tremendously. The good times shared, the laughs, the moments of reflection and peace, I appreciate it very much. I don't get the proper opportunities to thank people for what they mean in my life. So...thank you.

There's this illusion that's easy to get caught in,  have that life is a ticking clock, constantly snapping at our heels, threatening to be snatched away. That is true to an extent. We aren't here forever. Time is limited. But in the grand spectrum of things...are we really so limited? This year seems like a blink of an eye, yet it feels like it's stretched on forever, too. A thousand things have happened. Little moments, shattered pieces of lucid thought forming into a cohesive hole. A lot of this year has felt like an adventure at some point or another. And the journey's far from over. There are many more places to see and hidden landscapes to uncover, internal and external. Everything is a learning process, and we're developing, learning, growing, every step of the way.

It's hard to imagine that time could run out, when things are just getting started for us.

There's so much I want to express, so many thoughts I want to share, but I think I'll paralyze myself thinking of them all at once.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I really don't. So...I should probably just stop writing, right?

Naw. ;)

Just once again. Thank you, guys. I've met wonderful people this year. And the people I've already known have, as always, been a blessing. :)

Take care. Blessings to the new year. My recommendation is we send off this last year with a bang that the universe itself will have to sit up and take notice.

--- So with a wonder and a wild desire....

Current Location: Home...
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Such sweet silent peaceful nights....

Alone for Thanksgiving, and my new sound system freaking kicks more ass than my last one.

And considering my last one hosted Anime Idol in 2006, this one's definitely ready to kick ass if the convention needs it. ;)

I'm feeling a lot better about things. I've cleaned up the basement tremendous amounts (I'm still not done yet, but I'm getting started!), laundry's getting done, and I'm coming back to myself. I still have an empty feeling in me right now, but for the time being, I am quite content.

I would like to get together with some folks this weekend, btw. If that's possible. :) I have to show off Arkham Horror to people, it's a brilliant little game. :)

Peace!

--- He's going the distance He's going for speed

Current Location: The cleaner basement!
Current Music: Cake - He's Going the Distance

I'm posting before I go to sleep. I'm so tired, so tired...

And I don't know what happened after I was pretty much ordered to leave by Becky and other con staff. I, uh, feel really bad about that. Really bad. I wish I could've stayed.

Also, I don't know what happened to my stuff. ;P

In terms of the convention....despite issues, despite a few problems, it was quite possibly one of the most memorable experiences in my life. We did very well, and it's heartwarming when people tell you that you (collectively) have an event that is just as entertaining, or more so, than some of the major cons. It really makes me smile inside.

That, and playing Guitar Hero 3 with Richard Townsend really was a blast. Even if he pwned me hard. ;P I'll get you back, Drazz. Vengeance shall be mine.

I love this group of people. For all of you who are reading this who were on staff, or volunteers....the ability you have to bond together and stick it through, even though we were overwhelmed in several situations just amazes me. You all have my awe.

I love this convention, and I love the people who keep coming to it, who keep showing their support, over and over again. I am still constantly amazed how well things are going....and I want to do everything in my power to make it even better next year.

But first....sleep.

A deep, long sleep....filled to the brim with hopeful dreams for the future.

I do want to apologize to people I snapped at over the course of the weekend. Stress does that....

So yeah. If anyone knows where my stuff is, or if there's anything more to take care of besides art auction stuff, let me know. I'll help where I can since I had to leave tear down early thanks to that filthy need to sleep before work. I nearly killed myself as it was anyway. :\

Bye. :) 'twas fun. I hope I did a good job, I still wonder if I did. :\

--- Through the fire and the flames, we carry on.

Current Mood: beyond tired

I already see Squall wrote a rap.

That's freaking horrible.

NebrasKon is tomorrow. Most of us are freaking giddy and trying to ensure we don't break under the pressure. There's a lot of things I want to say about it, but I don't know how much time I have.

We've all been working our butts off to try to make this a convention we would love to go to. That's really all it's ever been about, trying to make something that we ourselves could fully commit to. Every year, even when I think we could have done things better, the response I hear whenever someone sees our t-shirt and lauds us with praise...

The best show of appreciation that could ever be given.

I know most of y'all on here already know about it, and are probably coming. But if you haven't, and you're in the Lincoln area, come out and see us, even for a bit. I really feel good about all of this, even though I think I've worked myself sick again. ;) This year should rock, and I hope everyone who does come has a great time.

Because again, that's all it's really been about. :)

See most of yous tomorrow.

--- Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens.

Current Mood: anxious

Thanks for all the warm wishes, everyone. I do appreciate it, even though I shiver a little every time someone tries to make a big deal of it.

I don't like making a big deal of it for a couple of reasons. One is that I don't really feel right making a big deal out of my own when I'm horrible at remembering other's. It's not like I don't care about other people, and, well, their existing...I find that fact kind of important...:) But it's a piece of hypocrisy for me to demand parties and presents when I'm not so able to give.

Second of all...I really am just not used to it.

My folks would give me stuff, but as I grew older, it really didn't become anything over the top. We hung out, had a good time, I appreciated what I had, and that was that. Pure and simple. People lavishing me in attention makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I don't know how to handle it, how to deal with it, so I just sit there feeling mildly uncomfortable. I mean, I can have fun...

But I don't know. Just never really gotten used to it.

And this year everyone's coming out of the freaking woodwork to tell me happy birthday. I appreciate it, really I do. But relax. ;) I'm not going to die and freak out if people forget.

So....uh...yeah. *smile*

I have other things to say, but I'll post em later. Life goes on, and life is good. :)

--- For All The Dreamers

Just fuck you. In the ear.

So I've been doing lots of sleeping. This thing *sucks*. A lot. :\

I hope I get better for the weekend.

Current Mood: annoyed

And still awake.

I went to sleep awhile ago, and was drifting shortly....and then back to reality again.

Work goes. Life goes. I loved this weekend, the crazy adventures we keep having remind me of the good side of things. I wasn't happy with myself on Friday. I need more sleep, need to be more balanced, less over the top. I definitely need to schedule in sleep on busy days somehow, because otherwise I just break down into nothing.

The progress that started last week hasn't left yet, but I still feel empty. I feel like there's another step ahead of me, just waiting for me to take...I don't know what it is.

It's nothing physical, nothing based in reality. A personal step I have to take to define myself, and I don't know...yet what that is.

Is this making any sense?

I'm trying to be strong so that my responsibilities aren't left to others. I need to keep from falling apart yet, there's still so much to do, and not enough time in the world to get it done. I know a few things I want...I want to be a better person. I want to be there for the people I care about. Why is this so hard? It wasn't at one point, now it's increasingly more difficult. I crave silence, but when I get it, I hate it. I crave isolation, but I cringe and wish to be connected when I attain it.

So I don't know what I want. And I do know some of the things I want.

I want to shine again. There are a few points in time I can look back on and see exactly what I am missing now. I don't know how I lost it...that unattainable quality that allowed me to see everything in shades of light instead of the dark blur that I constantly see now. It's something I can touch still, but less frequently and without consistency.

I need to find out what it was that I lost. At one point I shattered. I'm still picking up the pieces...can't stand it. I should be whole. I have all the pieces here somewhere, I should be whole, shouldn't I?

Why the bloody hell is it so damned hard?

I love this season. I love the weather. It cools, tempers the blazing fires of summer, and I feel at peace. The soft, cool fall winds that drifts over the streets and trees and leaves, rustling and dancing, where life calms and deeper thoughts come easier. Feelings can be embraced easier, strength can be drawn from those feelings with ease. I can sit outside and marvel at how life dances for us, right before our eyes.

We explored a graveyard this weekend, for the short time we could without it closing. There was a statue of the 'Black Angel' there, with eyes that had soul, and eyes that followed. Even if just a statue, it felt like more, with more yearning and resolute strength in it's form that overwhelmed. I want to go back, to visit it, even if just for another look, a reminder that life isn't just the drudgery and stale that I know in the week.

I think my spirit is battered, and I need to find a place of rest, to recover and start fresh, with new strength and new life. This chapter, however sad and overwhelming it may seem, has to close. MUST close. I have to find that strength in the people close to me, and the world around me. The days where I can shut myself away are fading, fast. I cannot allow myself to dwell on this darkness anymore. I understand it no less than I did before. It is a waste of time, and I have to face it someday.

Before I shut myself away and sever myself from everyone I know and love.

I wonder if the great men of faith ever went through crises like this. I wonder if they ever felt like they were in a never ending circle drifting downwards that refused to release them.

There must be a way. It's blurry, but there must be a way. We shouldn't give up, no matter how dark the path gets, right?

No matter how dim it is, we have to struggle forward, to vanquish that dark.

--- For All The Dreamers

Current Location: Home...becoming old here. Must escape.
Current Mood: contemplative

The greatest battles that we'll remember, the most important struggles in our life, they might not be the grand sweeping world changing events that we always think we'll be part of when we're growing up.

Maybe, just maybe, the most important struggles of our lives are the ones where we decide how to define ourselves.

I'm struck by the beauty that surrounds us every day, but I don't appreciate it nearly enough.

We're given something amazing, and we usually just sit and wish everything was different. We bemoan our existence when all the good things in our lives are staring right at us, telling us why it's still important to live.

I'm not about to say that I'm going to change. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or the day after and beyond.

I will say that I will not give up. I admire determination, the 'will to keep fighting' that's immortalized in so many stories and tales. What can I do to attain it? To decide on a path and keep walking, no matter how sore and blistered your feet are?

That gift is it's own kind of magic.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: All Eyes On Me - Goo Goo Dolls